Category Archives: Sex

What do I do with my sleek new dildo?

People can be a bit in awe of a high end vibrators and dildos. You need to really own it – put yourself in charge of it and make it yours. Before you use your chosen toy spend time getting to know it. Leave it out on your nightstand for a few nights so you get used to how it looks. Hold it and move it around in your hands so you get used to the weight, texture and how it feels. Its like buying a new pair of shoes. Once you’ve worn them in you feel more comfortable in them. Once you’re comfortable with your new toy, your ready to use it.

Whether solo or partnered, remember that a sex toy is there to aid your pleasure. It shouldn’t take precedence over your body. For partnered sex you can help your lover take charge of the toy. Its needs to feel like an extension of his arm. Suggest that he thinks of it this way – a good tennis player experiences the racket as an extension of his arm. The same applies when he’s holding the vibrator. This way it won’t feel like a clunky gadget in your bed but a turbo boost to your pleasure.

The design of vibrators is so much better now – created with a woman’s body in mind. But you still need to make it work for you. One of the most common mistakes is to think that all you need to do with a vibrator is lie back and think of England. But being on your back isn’t necessarily the best position. Try kneeling up. Once the vibe is in place move your hips – side to side, back and forth, in circles to get the most out of it.

Always use lubricant – preferably an organic one – with dildos and vibrators . However sleek and sophisticated the material, its not warm flesh. Lubricant makes them more body friendly.

If you are new to sex toys and want something easy to start with, try cuffs. I think they are a great introduction because you can both experience what its like to be the cuffer and cuffed. This brings PARITY and MUTUALITY to the experience – both qualities that foster RESPECT, which is absolutely vital if you are going to have a truly enjoyable time.

To get the best out of cuffs bind his wrists above this head. This leaves the most skin exposed for you to play with. If you tie his hands in front of his body his arms will cover his torso and get in your way. Here’s what to do:
Get him to lie on his back – but further down the bed than normal. Leave space above his head so that his arms have room to stretch. You don’t want him bashing into the headboard when you have him moaning later! Now straddle his chest and push his arms above his head. Take the cuffs and let him watch you run your fingers over them for a few seconds. Lean forward so that your skin is brushing his face. Tie him up…..

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Posted by on 04/10/2014 in Erotic Pleasure, Sex


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Thirsty Throat, Small Needs, Interrupted Foreplay

In the summer of 2006 I made a commitment to live in partnership with my body. I pay attention to what it wants. I do my best to follow its directions, desires and prohibitions.

The more I listen to my body the more clearly I hear it. And the harder it becomes to ignore it, even in the small things.

The other day I was snuggling in bed with a lovely gentleman. He started to kiss me with a look in his eyes that said, “We’re not getting out of bed any time soon.” “Oh…yum!” I thought.

His kisses brought my attention fully into my body. I noticed that I felt thirsty. “Well that’s inconvenient,” I thought and tried to ignore the thirst. Over the next several milliseconds or so I had this internal conversation with my body:

Body: “I’m thirsty.”
Me: “Seriously? Now?”
Body: “I want water.”
Me, nervously: “I can’t interrupt now.”
Body, shouting: “I’M THIRSTY.”
Me: “Okay.”

So I gently pulled my mouth back from his, hugged him with my thighs and arms, and said, “Just one moment, baby…I need to drink some water.” “Sure,” he said, not sounding interrupted at all. “Would you like some?” “No, I’m good.”

I returned a couple of minutes later, thirst slaked and able to devote my full attention to him. If I hadn’t interrupted – and risked throwing him off his physical or emotional game – I wouldn’t have been able to dedicate my whole physicality to lovemaking. I could have ignored it – it was just a bit of a dry throat after all. But I really noticed the clarity of my body’s voice. It demanded wholeness. It wasn’t interested in ignoring its small needs.

Wise body.

The need might be small but its never insignificant.

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Posted by on 13/09/2013 in Erotic Pleasure, Sex


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Incidental Sex

There’s a contented sort of lovemaking that is less an expression of desire and more an expression of….something else. Its hard to find the word. Its a sort of bodily plenitude. As if your body is so replete with ease in the nakedness of your partner’s body. And that plenitude spills out as lovemaking. Almost incidentally.

Incidental sex. Sounds discourteous, no?

But its not. Bodies that are so at ease with each other open themselves to an unusual tranquility in lovemaking. Their leisureliness brings the rim of the soul into view.

Words are unnecessary. No “I want” or “Harder” or “Turn around”.

Breathing is smoother and movements are more measured than normal, choreographing the body into cellular peace.

Arousal shrugs its way into orgasm, reluctant to disrupt its own placated rhythm.

I slid peacefully from arched spine to slumped-on-his-chest, to heavy eyelids, to sated sleep.

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Posted by on 04/04/2013 in Erotic Pleasure, Sex


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Sexy Texting? Stop Right There.

Sexy texting should be like a danced duet – a rhythm passed back and forth.

Make sure to leave pauses in the rhythm. If you rush to reply you miss out on half of the sexiness. A constant stream of text is less interesting than one punctuated with pauses.





….for the bleep of your phone.

There’s juice in the pauses.

Stop. You’ll have more fun.

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Posted by on 13/03/2013 in Sex


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Wishing you all a year of great sex

Great sex requires full attention to your body and complete comfort with your body.

No judgements, no guilt. Just the flesh in all its mucky purity.

Enjoy 2013.

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Posted by on 01/01/2013 in Sex


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First Time Sexy Talk

When you go to bed with each other for the first time take it slow. Don’t be afraid to stop and talk to each other. Say what you like and don’t like.

Say if something isn’t working for you. Let them know if they should adjust the angle or pressure of their touch.

A lot of people worry about ruining the moment by talking. Words don’t have to ruin it; they can enhance it. Talk sexy. Talk slow. Whisper. Nibble and kiss between sentences. Just make sure you talk.

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Posted by on 19/11/2012 in Sex


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The Eloquence of Kisses and Cuddles

I’ve noticed that with some lovers its easy to communicate your feelings body to body. Cuddles and kisses are more eloquent than words. I don’t mean just the lovey-dovey feelings but the sharper ones too.

Hurt, anger, vulnerability, remorse – all of this can be said, heard and completed through the flesh.


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Posted by on 10/11/2012 in Love, Sex


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