Tag Archives: communication

Let’s Talk About Death

Well its one of those topics isn’t it? Like Money or God. Or Sex. We don’t like to talk about it because its loaded.

But in long term relationship, sooner or later, you have to talk about loaded topics. Actually many couples manage to avoid the talking, but they can’t avoid the experience.

Sooner or later someone close to you or your partner is going to die. I believe that grief is a private matter – possibly the most private of all emotions. Because of that, people handle grief in very individual ways.

This is where the trouble starts. Some people want to be left alone with their feelings. Others want to talk and cry and be held. I call this a ‘sharing threshold’. How much do you want to share and how much do you want to mourn privately?

In the depth of grief its hard to articulate how you want to be supported. Your partner is left guessing, says the wrong thing and it lands as crushingly insensitive and uncaring. Its one of those pivotal moments in relationship that can cause long lasting damage – not through anyone’s fault, but because emotions are heightened.

Let your partner know what your sharing threshold is, and to find out what theirs is.

If you can talk about this before the situation arises, so much the better. Its uncomfortable to bring up the subject of death but its worth it.

Ask the question, ‘How would you want me to support you at a time of grief?’

Now, because death is taboo, a lot of people won’t have an answer, simply because they haven’t thought about it. That doesn’t matter. Asking the question will get both of you thinking about it.

You may not have an answer till someone passes away and are in the throes of grief. But if you start the conversation now it will be easier to revisit when its a real experience.

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Posted by on 09/07/2014 in Marriage


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What my fingers remembered

I spent today attending a writing workshop run by author and coach Steve Nobel.

One exercise aimed to get us to write in order to induce a particular feeling. I wanted to induce a state of feeling sexy. I used a particular memory as a trigger point. Following Steve’s instructions, I wrote fast, without editing – letting the writing go where it wanted to go.

I was describing a dinner I’d enjoyed with a very special man.

Ten minutes later, I read what I’d written. I was surprised by what had tripped off the end of my pen. My fingers had remembered not only the sensuality but the intense joy I felt in his presence. What surprised me was that I realised I’ve never told him this.

Yes, I’ve spoken lovingly and tenderly, but not about that intense joy.

It got me thinking about what we share and don’t share with lovers. I think that sometimes its easier to express the obvious feelings – the ones that translate easily into the common vernacular of love.

But I think that its important to tell people when they’ve touched us so deeply that the common vernacular of love doesn’t quite cut it. Otherwise they never know just how much they have added to our lives. So, this week I’m going to tell him. If I can’t find a way to just say it, I’ll read my writing out to him. That feels scary….


Posted by on 14/10/2012 in Erotic Pleasure, Love, Romance, Sex


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