Sacred Romance begins with Self. It moves through Self and returns to Self. It is not selfish, but centred in Self. This is the secret to truly loving romance. It is only by continually returning to our own centre that we can truly unfold in the arms of another.
The word ‘sacred’ speaks of something other than the mundane; it intimates the numinous, set apart from the ordinary. It is both the exquisite experience of being in (comm)union with another person and the numinous experience of one’s self that comes about through that (comm)union. Experiencing sacred romance requires the conscious effort of being fully present and aware of what happens in your Self during the romantic encounter.
The image I have of Sacred Romance is that of a double spiral: a spiral that moves both in and down into one’s self, and up and out toward the other. This simultaneous and complementary movement is the mechanism for being in sacred romance. The extent to which we are able to dive into our own depths will be the extent to which we are able to open into another.
Taking Radical Responsibility
That’s ‘radical’ as in deep, core and foundational responsibility. In romance this means acknowledging 100% responsibility for whatever occurs along both directions of the double spiral: for both one’s inner experience of emotions, thoughts, impressions, longings, orgasms, memories, and for one’s outer experience of events, (mis)communications, interactions, agreements, orgasms, commitments. This does not mean taking responsibility for the other person’s experience. Even in the most intimate relationship the shared space does not encompass the whole of each individual. We can only ever share some of our stream of experience but we can and do choose what to share. Our outward movement toward a lover is entirely our responsibility. Acknowledging this would effect a subtle but radical shift our experience of romance. We are acculturated to think that romance simply happens – an inevitable but accidental consequence of two people experiencing a particular attraction for each other. This results in a ‘lets try it and see what happens’ approach. Now that may be just fine – after all, it appears to be the general modus operandi. However, by consciously choosing how you want to experience romance, something very interesting happens. Your options open up exponentially. You can write your own rules, ask for more, give more (interesting things), say ‘no’ more, say ‘yes’ more. And yes, I’m speaking from experience. Its very freeing. And it takes more guts, more heart, more energy and intent than doing it the other way. Sacred Romance is not for the risk averse. It invites you to risk your entire being in every moment of interaction with the other.
Sound too much? ‘Too much’ doesn’t even cut it. This is what being present in romance feels like. Its challenging, simmering and fully alive making. Again, I’m speaking from experience.
On Making Love
Once again I am filled with longing for your presence with my body.
And now my eyes fill with tears of longing for all that has been in my life and all that will be.
Now that longing expands into an exquisite awareness of the soulfulness of all humanity.
Tell me, my beloved, how is it that you inspire so much?
How is it that a romantic encounter can open our awareness of things way beyond the encounter itself? This is one of the greatest mysteries of erotic love – its capacity to outstrip itself.
Perhaps this is the hallmark of a true romantic encounter – one that opens us to so much more than itself. In terms of sacred romance, one of the purposes of making love is to make us innocent. In the moment of love making we become soulful, free of right and wrong, going beyond duality into union. In this moment the double spiral implodes into Flow and the distinction between inner and outer ceases momentarily. Making love is the numinous power of romance at its most potent. The challenge is to carry that innocence beyond the act of love making into other interactions with a lover. But for now, I remain in awe of the innocence of our flesh and the power of our bodies to show us our sacredness.