I’ve been reflecting on that moment when you realise you can’t have someone.
Until then, desire is unfettered. During your first meeting when you know nothing about the other person, you have no facts but every imagination. Everything is possible. Until facts start to intrude.
My gut is fluttering and the edges of my skin are breathing. I want but can I have?
For a whole ten minutes I’ve been reclining in the fantasy, ‘I will have him.’ But half a sentence here and a cautious question there reveals, ‘I can’t have him. He’s not available.’ The realisation pulls my spine out of the fantasy into an upright posture. Appropriate body. Now the walls of the cafe seem closer than before and the conversations around us have edges. With good, English propriety I lift my cup and take a sip.
For the first time I taste the mintiness of my mint tea.