Tag Archives: sex

Wishing you all a year of great sex

Great sex requires full attention to your body and complete comfort with your body.

No judgements, no guilt. Just the flesh in all its mucky purity.

Enjoy 2013.

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Posted by on 01/01/2013 in Sex


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Please don’t stop touching each other

Not so long ago a client came to me who was deeply unhappy in his marriage.

A short while into the conversation he said that he and his wife had not had sex in many years. A few questions later he said, ‘The truth is, we haven’t touched each other in years. We don’t even hug any more. It all just stopped.’ And he cried.

When he’d spoken about the other ‘reasons’ for the marriage not working he was sad, distressed, frustrated. But with this there was a deep loneliness in his voice. We’d hit the core of his misery. The practical and even emotional problems paled into the background. The physical loneliness of no-touch was worse.

It made me think about the importance of touch. Increasingly, I’m convinced that loving (or any positive) human touch is regenerative – emotionally, mentally and physically. I’ve written before about how couples can become lazy in long term relationship. Please don’t get lazy with your bodies. Touch each other lovingly, again and again and again.

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Posted by on 01/10/2012 in Love, Marriage, Sex


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Its not just about size, its about fit.

A lot of men worry about ‘being too small’. But some have the opposite problem. They’re too big. They can’t have penetrative sex because its too painful for their partner. I was speaking to a young man recently who’s sex life had been consistently frustrating because of this.

Remember that its not only about size; its also about fit. The genital muscles of the male and female body both swell in preparation for sex. But they swell with opposite effects – you get harder, she gets softer and more relaxed.

From a tantric perspective this complementary swelling is the physical and psychological core of heterosexual intimacy. 

If your partner finds you too big, you can both address this by working with your bodies’ complimentary swelling. This is how:

The key is in your breathing. Actually, its mainly in her breathing. If you’ve been together for a while and she knows that attempting sex might be painful her internal muscles will tense up when you get close to penetration. Its the body’s reflex response if its expecting pain.

To help your bodies create a better fit:

1. She can consciously relax her vaginal muscles. Its like the reverse of Kegel exercises. First she needs to focus on her internal muscle; then relax it as she breathes out. This will get easier with practice.

2. Co-ordinate your movement with her breathing. As she breathes out you thrust into her.Go slow. Use gentle, small penetrative strokes. Don’t try to go in all at once.

A couple of other preparation tips:

3. Lots of foreplay. (You’re probably already doing that, but I’m saying it just in case)

4. Use lubricant. It will help her body stay juicy so you can both enjoy taking your time. If you’re using regular, latex condoms use water based or silicone based lubricant. Oil based lubricants can damage latex condoms, leaving you less protected.

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Posted by on 24/08/2012 in Sex


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Sex with a new partner

Its always a risk the first time you have sex with a new partner. However good the flirting was and however much chemistry there  was between you, you can’t predict how your bodies will work together.

So, how do you step into this unknown? Here are my top 3 tips:

1. Be here, now. Don’t just trot out the routines that worked with your last partner. Stay fully in the present moment – with this person and their body. Use your skills, but respond spontaneously.

2. Don’t take it too seriously. An attitude of playfulness and fun facilitates spontaneity. It also creates an atmosphere in which its easier for the two of you to communicate, change direction and adjust should things get awkward.

3. Talk to each other. You’re not a mind reader and neither are they. Tell them what you enjoy and ask what they enjoy. Keep checking in. It might seem like a romantic idea that good sex should just happen if you have a ‘special connection’. But sometimes special connections are forged. Don’t stay quiet. Words are your ally. Use them.

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Posted by on 10/06/2012 in Sex


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Tearing Up the Good Girl Script: A Date for Women

Our date will be dedicated to two questions:

  • Where in my life am I trying to be good instead of aiming to be happy?
  • What shifts need to occur for me to be happy in that area of my life?

If you are unhappy in your relationship but don’t want to rock the boat; or you feel overwhelmed by taking care of your family’s needs at the expense of your own, then its likely that you are playing out the good girl script.

We are brought up to be good girls. Its a script that runs so deep that, as adults, we can keep playing it out unconsciously. Our date will be structured in an informal workshop style, including guided exercises, discussion and exquisite food. My expertise is in contemporary gender theory and the technologies of the tantric/yogic traditions. I’ll share with you some invaluable tools that will help you identify, articulate and create a way of being that is less ‘good girl’ and more ‘happy woman’.

Time: 11.00am – 2.30pm

Date: Thursday 20th January 2011

Place: Dru Cafe, 131 Drummond Street, Euston, London NW1 2HL

Fee: £50.00  Includes organic lunch and refreshments

The group will be small so it will be a very rich experience.

To book, email

Previous participants said:

When I saw the title to this event I was intrigued. I sure had the good girl script running and wondered what was the other side of it. The day was not only revealing but freeing and I cannot recommend it highly enough in such a safe environment and intuitive hands. I feel I have gained new and exciting insights as well as gaining the courage to keep re-writing MY script.

Jo Noon, Director :: Creative Services Consultancy

“Tearing up the good girl script” proved to be a compelling and insightful exploration of where we as women give up our power and our willingness to ask the question ‘what do I really want?’ and to stand up for the answer. Vena is an excellent guide for such an exploration because she has lived and breathed it in her own life. Everything she does is given exquisite care, and you will be in experienced and safe hands if you decide to take this next, exciting step on your own journey into being the beautiful, bold woman you are. My advice? jump right in…!

Joanne Sumner, Coach and Holistic Therapist

I experienced the workshop as a wonderfully safe, exploratory space. I greatly appreciated your skills as facilitator, ensuring safe boundaries while bringing focus and insight. I continue to reflect on the tensions between being ‘good’ and being happy in my own assumptions and behaviour, and I the workshop has given me perspective and confidence with which to challenge myself – on a pretty much daily basis!

Rebecca, Art Psychotherapist


Posted by on 04/10/2010 in Events, Gender


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I wanted a beefcake

I visited Patrick Cox’s new erotic bakery in Soho yesterday.

I was having afternoon cake with Julia MacMillan, founder of ToyboyWarehouse.

The bakery’s black and neon decor manages to be both slick and ironic at the same time. Clever, I thought. And fun.

We chose our cupcakes from the cheeky and fun array at the counter, admired the leather aprons worn by the staff, and were enjoying the atmosphere of relaxed fun in the place.

I noticed how all the customers had a smile on their face; outside, the people who stopped and admired the window display, smiled too. The gentleman next to me was enjoying the playful names of the cakes, but couldn’t choose what to have. ‘What have you got?’ he asked me. I explained that I’d chosen a lemon cupcake, because my first choice – a beefcake – was unavailable. (Patrick, honestly. How could you be out of beefcakes?)

He laughed and said with feigned shock, ‘Really…how could you lower yourself?’ He was jesting – his tone of mock shock was jokey, and his laughter and body language were friendly. But there was something else. For a split second, something else flitted across his eyes. And then there was the question itself. ‘How could you lower yourself?’ And, of course, mock humour often masks…something else.

This gentleman made me think of our attitudes to sex. We love the fun and play, but we’re also ashamed of our desire. He enjoyed the display of tempting cakes, but to hear the words, ‘I wanted a beefcake,’ was too much. It was met with the shield of derisive humour.

And thats the difference between genuine fun with sex, and a humour that debases it. How would you respond to those cheeky cakes? May I suggest a visit?

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Posted by on 23/09/2010 in Erotic Pleasure, Sex


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