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Unhook from Your Ex

Do you keep getting hooked back in by your ex? Unhealthy communication from your ex will keep you tied to them and can prevent you from moving on fully. You certainly won’t be fully available to a new partner if you are stuck in a toxic ex-relationship! How do you recognise if they are hooking you in?
If the communication is designed to make you feel either guilty or sorry for them, it’s an unhealthy hook.
How to respond:
1. Remind yourself that they are no longer your responsibility. MAKE THIS YOUR MANTRA! Repeat it to yourself till it sinks into your subconscious.
2. Stop communicating with them. This may sound drastic but you can’t make them change their behaviour. You can however extract yourself from their behaviour.
If you want to move on, unhook yourself now.

 
 

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We Haven’t Had Sex in Years

Recently on FaceBook, someone drew my attention to a blog about sexless relationships where the man had stopped ‘putting out’. In some cases, this had been going on for years. Here are my thoughts on the reasons behind this.

Ladies, if your man hasn’t been putting out for years its likely to be for one of the following reasons:

1. He’s gone into son mode. He’s got too comfortable in the relationship and so he’s become sexually lazy. Lots of men have confided in me ‘I’m a simple creature. If I have a good meal a comfortable bed and I’m left in peace – thats all I want.’ The thing is that if he’s behaving like this with his partner he’s treating her more like a mother. Not healthy and like I said, plain lazy.

2. He’s feeling consistently devalued or not appreciated. Contrary to popular belief men are not sexual animals – they will not settle for a quick shag without emotion. In long term relationship, If a man feels devalued he shuts down sexually. The tricky thing is that sometimes he’s feeling devalued by someone else – such as his boss or freinds – not by his partner. At the root of this is often his relationship with his father. Not his mother. Freud was wrong.

3. He doesn’t fancy his partner any more or he found the sex boring but doesn’t know how to broach the topic and say what he wants. This doesn’t automatically mean that he’s sleeping with someone else.

4. He’s gone off sex. Yes men can go off sex. The underlying reasons are varied but thats the bottom line.

There is not a quick fix solution to a problem that has gone on for years. The place to start is to find out what the most likely reason is.

 
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Posted by on 23/03/2015 in Uncategorized

 

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The Toughest Week of the Year For Relationships

25th December is the start of the last week of the year. For many relationships, it is also the toughest week of the year. The strong energy field of ‘tradition’ that surrounds Christmas, combined with the poignant ‘Auld lang syne’ of New Year’s Eve make people assess, question and argue.

If your relationship has hit a rocky patch, here are three tips to smooth your way through the remaining days of 2014.

1. Take time to choose your words. There’s a saying about ‘the sped arrow and the spoken word’ – you can’t take either back once they are released. If you’re feeling stressed, wait before you speak.

2. Don’t make rash decisions. If you’re feeling irritated or uncomfortable about an aspect of your relationship, remind yourself that relationship dynamics get magnified in the family-ar context of Christmas. This isn’t a good time to make decisions about your relationship or partner.

3. Breathe kindly. This is of utmost importance. By breathing kindly you bring kindness to your own body and mind. This automatically softens any discomfort.

 
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Posted by on 23/12/2014 in Love, Marriage

 

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Have the Unromantic Conversations

For romance to thrive in long term relationship you need to have those unromantic conversations. About money, alarm clocks, the thermostat on the central heating. The problem is that we confuse romance with the structure of relationship. We think that those ‘hard’ conversations might kill romance. The truth is that they are simply different aspects of relationship.

The reality of daily life is the container which holds the delicate and nourishing fluid of romantic love. If the container leaks, the fluid drains away. Refusing to have the ‘hard’ conversations creates cracks in the container. Whereas honest discussion and clear agreement about how you arrange your daily life creates a solid container.

Those conversations are distinctly unromantic. Sometimes they’re uncomfortable; sometimes confrontational. But they are the fire in which a solid container of relationship is forged. They create clarity and build trust. They require honesty. They make you work together as a couple to find solutions that work for both of you. Clarity, trust, honesty, togetherness….these conversations create a strong relationship in which romance can thrive.

 
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Posted by on 05/12/2014 in Marriage, Romance

 

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Head, Heart and Hips

There’s more to yoga than doing postures, chanting ‘om’ and breathing deeply. Its a whole way of life. I love my formal yoga practice but I’ve always been more intrigued by yoga off the mat.

‘Yoga’ means union. I think the most important yoga is between your mind, heart and body. When all your bits are unified with each other you’re on track. I know that whenever I try to do something that’s a struggle for any part of me it fails. Life just works better when you are in ‘yoga’ with yourself.

Romantic relationships is the biggest and best opportunity to bring your mind, heart and body into harmonious union with each other. In fact, its the most important relationship skill because when you are in synch with yourself you can truly share yourself with your partner. You make decisions that are right for you, you communicate better, you don’t become needy. You even become more attractive – because being in synch with yourself gives you poise and confidence.

I’ll be teaching about all this in ‘Head, Heart and Hips: The Yoga of Relationships’
at the British Yoga Festival, Friday 5th December in London. Find out more here http://www.yogamagazine.com/the-yoga-of-relationships/

 
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Posted by on 11/11/2014 in Events

 

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What do I do with my sleek new dildo?

People can be a bit in awe of a high end vibrators and dildos. You need to really own it – put yourself in charge of it and make it yours. Before you use your chosen toy spend time getting to know it. Leave it out on your nightstand for a few nights so you get used to how it looks. Hold it and move it around in your hands so you get used to the weight, texture and how it feels. Its like buying a new pair of shoes. Once you’ve worn them in you feel more comfortable in them. Once you’re comfortable with your new toy, your ready to use it.

Whether solo or partnered, remember that a sex toy is there to aid your pleasure. It shouldn’t take precedence over your body. For partnered sex you can help your lover take charge of the toy. Its needs to feel like an extension of his arm. Suggest that he thinks of it this way – a good tennis player experiences the racket as an extension of his arm. The same applies when he’s holding the vibrator. This way it won’t feel like a clunky gadget in your bed but a turbo boost to your pleasure.

The design of vibrators is so much better now – created with a woman’s body in mind. But you still need to make it work for you. One of the most common mistakes is to think that all you need to do with a vibrator is lie back and think of England. But being on your back isn’t necessarily the best position. Try kneeling up. Once the vibe is in place move your hips – side to side, back and forth, in circles to get the most out of it.

Always use lubricant – preferably an organic one – with dildos and vibrators . However sleek and sophisticated the material, its not warm flesh. Lubricant makes them more body friendly.

If you are new to sex toys and want something easy to start with, try cuffs. I think they are a great introduction because you can both experience what its like to be the cuffer and cuffed. This brings PARITY and MUTUALITY to the experience – both qualities that foster RESPECT, which is absolutely vital if you are going to have a truly enjoyable time.

To get the best out of cuffs bind his wrists above this head. This leaves the most skin exposed for you to play with. If you tie his hands in front of his body his arms will cover his torso and get in your way. Here’s what to do:
Get him to lie on his back – but further down the bed than normal. Leave space above his head so that his arms have room to stretch. You don’t want him bashing into the headboard when you have him moaning later! Now straddle his chest and push his arms above his head. Take the cuffs and let him watch you run your fingers over them for a few seconds. Lean forward so that your skin is brushing his face. Tie him up…..

 
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Posted by on 04/10/2014 in Erotic Pleasure, Sex

 

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Let’s Talk About Death

Well its one of those topics isn’t it? Like Money or God. Or Sex. We don’t like to talk about it because its loaded.

But in long term relationship, sooner or later, you have to talk about loaded topics. Actually many couples manage to avoid the talking, but they can’t avoid the experience.

Sooner or later someone close to you or your partner is going to die. I believe that grief is a private matter – possibly the most private of all emotions. Because of that, people handle grief in very individual ways.

This is where the trouble starts. Some people want to be left alone with their feelings. Others want to talk and cry and be held. I call this a ‘sharing threshold’. How much do you want to share and how much do you want to mourn privately?

In the depth of grief its hard to articulate how you want to be supported. Your partner is left guessing, says the wrong thing and it lands as crushingly insensitive and uncaring. Its one of those pivotal moments in relationship that can cause long lasting damage – not through anyone’s fault, but because emotions are heightened.

Let your partner know what your sharing threshold is, and to find out what theirs is.

If you can talk about this before the situation arises, so much the better. Its uncomfortable to bring up the subject of death but its worth it.

Ask the question, ‘How would you want me to support you at a time of grief?’

Now, because death is taboo, a lot of people won’t have an answer, simply because they haven’t thought about it. That doesn’t matter. Asking the question will get both of you thinking about it.

You may not have an answer till someone passes away and are in the throes of grief. But if you start the conversation now it will be easier to revisit when its a real experience.

 
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Posted by on 09/07/2014 in Marriage

 

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